Mummy 3: Curse of the Dragon Emperor

I was going to tweet “That’s another 2 hours of my life down the toilet,” but this movie was so bad, it deserves more in-depth derision.

Since it’s spoilerific, it’s hidden under the cut for those who don’t want to take my word IT’S REALLY, REALLY BAD and still plan to rent it.

First, let me say I really liked Mummy 1 and 2, which has a lot to do with why 3 was so incredibly disappointing. Had I not liked 1 and 2, this one would have been just plain disappointing.

There was some good:

1. When the emperor’s tomb is first opened, the set design with the terracotta army and dodging the booby traps (or failing to dodge, if a character didn’t have a name other than Lackey Two) was very Indiana Jones.

2. Rick is trying to live the civilized existence of a retired adventurer and has newly taken up the refined hobby of fly fishing. He hooks a tree, he hooks his neck, he loses patience, whips out his gun, and shoots the fish instead. Never mind that with the racket he’s making, there’s not a fish within a 10-mile radius by this time, and never mind we’re talking about trout, which would make difficult targets even if they were nailed to a bullseye rather than writhing in the rippling water of a river. It was fun anyway.

3. Evie has written their mummy adventures and become a Big Famous Author. She’s doing a reading, and at first you only see her from behind. Someone in the audience asks her if she’s changed. Then they show her face, it’s a different actress, and she says, “I can honestly say I’m a completely different woman.” Which was fun because it was real life poking a finger into the story.

Unfortunately, that’s all in the good column, and it all took place in the first 10 minutes. The only other fun moment we had was during a fight sequence near the end in which the emperor got the tip of his ponytail sheared off and Angelic Daughter and I said in unison, “Oh no you di-int!”, and we get all the credit for that laugh.

And then there was the bad. Here’s the abridged version:

1. Every adventure-movie cliche you can imagine is trotted out, and not presented in a fun way, like they were when they cropped up in the previous two films. Frex: “Only the blood of the Pure of Heart™ can open the Evil Artifact™.” (Let’s pause for a sec here, because who’s the dumbass in charge of manufacturing all the Evil Artifacts in fiction? Dude, you obviously want them to be used, or you wouldn’t make them, so why are they always dependent on the Pure of Heart for activation? Why not the blood of the “greedy” or “power hungry” or “whoever’s available” to make it a little easier? We now return you to the scheduled program.) “I’m going to shoot your husband.” “NO!” “Only the Pure of Heart would object to me killing her husband.” Really. REALLY? That’s it? For all you know, she wants the pleasure of killing him herself as soon as she gets him to do away with the prenup so she gets all his money, so you really don’t have enough background information to make that determination, do you? (You know what would have been funny? If they’d dripped her blood on the Evil Artifact and it hadn’t worked.)

2. The Good Guys™ are pursuing the Bad Guys™ through downtown Shanghai during the Chinese New Year celebration. It’s a little crowded. The Good Guys are nonetheless driving recklessly, shooting their guns all over the place, and at one point set off one of those big firework rockets, trying to hit the emperor’s head. Surprisingly, the precision aiming mechanism of a firework rocket while swerving all over the road at 70 miles per hour in pursuit of a moving target leaves something to be desired, and they blow up a trolley full of innocent bystanders. But that’s okay because they’re the Good Guys. Never mind that they slaughter way more people than the Bad Guys during the course of this movie.

3. As a step toward achieving immortality, the emperor has to place a diamond in a certain holder high in the mountains. The Good Guys conveniently manage to beat the Bad Guys to this site, despite the emperor having modern military support and several hours’ head start. The Good Guys invest all their energy in shooting at him, forgetting the lesson learned during their previous adventures that bullets have zero effect on the undead, and only as a Last Resort™ plan to blow up the holder in which the diamond must be placed. Because they wait until the emperor is standing at its base to try this AND leave the task in the hands of their least competent team member (which is like calling somebody the orangest Oompa Loompa, honestly), the “plan” fails, the emperor makes it to the top, puts the rock in the holder, it happens to be precisely the right time of day, the sun strikes the diamond, and a beam of light points the way to Shangri La, where he needs to go to become immortal.

4. Rick has been stabbed all the way through his chest. He definitely has lost a lung (at least—based on the scar seen later on his back, the blade probably cut his heart in two, as well) and is suffering from massive blood loss, BUT they carry him through the Himalayas, in subzero temperatures, across several mountains, in a trek that would have taken experienced mountain climbers with the finest 21st-century equipment six months to accomplish, in time for him to receive some magical elixir that fixes him right up.

5. The emperor, who apparently went back to Shanghai to get a “massage” or something, finally catches up with them, effortlessly brushes aside the powerless nimrods “guarding” the fountain of immortality, and strolls right in. Not like he needs to, since he’s already proven to be pretty freakin’ indestructible. I guess he’s self-conscious about his appearance or something and wants to look like Jet Li again.

6. The emperor (all pretty now) raises his old undead army. The Good Guys raise an undead army comprised of the slaves who died building the Great Wall. They’re armed with shovels, and they lack the armor and military training of their opponents. But that’s okay because, after raising this undead army, the Good Guys demonstrate their awesome leadership skills by CHARGING TO THE FRONT LINE OF THEIR UNDEAD ARMY to show them how it’s done. And by “it,” I mean “getting pwned by another undead army because we’re peasants with shovels, not ancient cursed soldiers.”

7. The emperor is vanquished through a series of even less plausible events, and next thing you know, the younger heroine (who hasn’t done anything worth mentioning) is boogeying down in a nightclub in Shanghai with the O’Connell boy (who also hasn’t warranted mention) as if her mother didn’t just die in her arms a couple minutes ago. “Woo-hoo! I no longer have to guard Shangri La from the only maniac who wants to dip a toe in the fountain of immortality! What? Oh, yeah, the thing with mom was tragic. Oh, snap, they’re playing my song! Time to party down!” Evidently, living in the Himalayas for 2000 years makes one completely cold-hearted.

I got the sense that everyone involved in the making of this movie decided they were sick of the franchise and agreed to make #3 so godawful stupid, the studio wouldn’t dare ask them for a #4.

(This is what I’m terribly afraid PotC #4 will be reduced to, nothing but a half-assed mockery of its former glory.)

It’d be a great movie to watch if you went into it with a MST3K kind of attitude and were prepared to talk trash in order to entertain yourself when the movie fails to do so.

Under any other circumstances, it’s a stinker.