Kerry Allen

Originally appeared July 9, 2007

I get the impression a lot of readers who want the romance genre “legitimized” by the mainstream press feel guilty or ashamed when confronted about that romance novel they’re reading, as if they’ve been caught breaking a law or a commandment or picking their nose in public. Unable or unwilling to defend themselves from attack, they wish the genre were elevated to a station of respectability so they wouldn’t be put in that uncomfortable position by genre bullies.

I’m not great at defending myself, either, but there comes a time in every girl’s life when she has to stick up for herself and what she believes in instead of waiting for somebody else to do it (I don’t go to a lot of renaissance fairs, so I don’t see a lot of knights in shining armor) or allowing braying jackasses to abuse her kind nature (that’s what whips and spurs are for, honey).

Doing my part to support a movement toward genre pride, I performed extensive field research (four hours on a bench at the mall, just outside a major department store with heavy foot traffic, holding Johanna Lindsey’s Silver Angel with the cover—the most stereotypically romancey cover I could find in my collection after the flower-power cover movement—prominently displayed).

Ah, the nudity, the bulging muscles, the hair, the “keep watching and we’ll all be in violation of the law” factor…

I suffered more attention than I ever anticipated. Two fellow romance readers asked me if the book was any good before scurrying away like they’d just made a drug deal. Thirty derisive comments were made. My reactions ran the gamut from good-natured to flat-out bitchy, depending on the content of the comment and my state of comfort at the time. (Hunger, thirst, a full bladder, sweltering heat, and butt pain from those godawful uncomfortable benches do not improve a researcher’s disposition, I found.)

The following might not make you any friends, but field research shows 9 out of 10 people will respond by shutting the hell up (and the tenth will run like hell when you give him the crazy-eye).

TRADITIONAL
“Reading romance novels reminds me how it feels to fall in love, which makes it easy to keep newness and excitement in my marriage even after all these years.” (Can be used regardless of marital status with strangers—not so much with people who know you’re single or thrice divorced)

TAKE THE OFFENSIVE
“Do you have something against love? That’s unhealthy. Seek counseling immediately.”

TOO MUCH INFORMATION (Accompanied by the crazy-eye)
“Romance novels enable me to be off my medication.”

OVER THEIR HEADS
“If I don’t read romance novels, how will I learn how to land that sexy, rich, adoring lord / CEO / pirate / vampire / sheik / Navy SEAL of my dreams?”

FLAT-OUT BITCHY (Delivered in a loud voice in the presence of many onlookers)
“Tell you what—you shut your flapping pie hole about my book, and I won’t mention your comb-over / cankles / gambling / membership in Goat-Sex Lovers International.”

YOU NAUGHTY WENCH
“Romance novels are required reading material at whore school. I’m the valedictorian.”

SARCASTIC
“Only the radiant hope in a romance novel can counteract the danger of becoming bitter from life experience.”

POLITICAL
“Only the radiant hope in a romance novel can counteract the danger of becoming bitter from eight years under the Bush administration.”

If confrontation isn’t for you and the thought of saying any of the above out loud makes you want to swoon into the arms of the nearest riverboat gambler with a vial of smelling salts, try giving some thought to the reasons you enjoy romance novels. Recite the most proper-sounding ones over and over to commit them to memory, and the next time someone curls their lip and says, “I can’t believe you read that tripe,” you’ll be prepared to defend yourself in your own way.

Keep in mind, for a romance reader (much as for a Cubs fan), a sense of humor is a necessity, providing a buffer for both your blood pressure and the dental health of anyone who utters a snide comment about your choice of reading material (or ball club).

Even more important, though, is some self-esteem. You are an intelligent, worthwhile, and good person. You shouldn’t let anyone belittle you for any reason, but most especially not for something as trivial as your choice in reading material. Bite back next time. You’ll feel better for it.

I know I did.

I have laboriously collected from the internet a list of reader advice for creating an effective author web site. I have tried to implement as many of these qualities as possible into my beta site. Feel free to visit anytime and find fault. Anything that can be improved (broken links, poor visibility, tooooooo slooooooow, whatever) before it becomes important is a good thing.

Following is the reader advice I have collected. If you have additional suggestions, please share them in the comments section.

See the rest of “Beta web site”

Gibberish Control 

As long as I’m making the transition from Blogger to WordPress, I thought I would take the opportunity to be less of a blogging spaz. Out of the 80-something posts I’ve put over on Blogger, there are about five I’ve deemed worthy of bringing over.

I actually had a category titled “Pointless rambling,” which, upon examination, appears to involve strangely pointless and rambling posts. Go figure.

Meg Cabot’s Diary is chock full of pointless rambling, but Meg Cabot is spleen-rupturing funny in her randomness.

I cannot make the same claim with any regularity, so I should probably have a point when I ramble, even if it vastly reduces posting frequency.

Books

When I talk about books, it will be ones I like and recommend. Don’t expect scholarly discourse. Think more along the lines of an extended summary so you can decide if the story interests you (as if my say-so isn’t sufficient…).

I’m not going to snark books I hate, not because I’m too much of a wimp to say anything negative but because I don’t believe in giving attention to things I wish would disappear. It’s like criticising the rich rehab girl of the moment for being a media whore yet providing live 24-hour coverage of every wardrobe malfunction and DUI arrest.

Bad books and skanky party girls can all fade into oblivion, as far as I’m concerned.

I do periodically have book-related complaint of general interest (poor copyediting, annoying plot device, etc.), and I may address those in a book-that-shall-not-be-named fashion, since the guilty party is seldom unique.

Writing

When I have something to report about my writing (Got an agent! Got a publisher! Pre-order now!), I will certainly share the news.

Until then, no more reporting there’s nothing to report.

Lynn Viehl doles out generous helpings of writing advice on her blog. She also gives away a lot of stuff, practically on a daily basis.

I know some useful writing tips, but I lack the chops to dispense advice. When I have a published book to lend me some credibility, I’ll pay it forward with helpful suggestions of my own.

I don’t own anything you’d want to win at the moment, but I aspire to someday buy your affection with fabulous prizes (such as books you simply must read).

Kerfuffle

There are plenty of places online you can find a good catfight. I don’t need to provide another one.

I get stressed out enough debating with people who are so clearly wrong on other sites. I don’t need to bring it into my own dojo.

If I do at some point succumb to the temptation to post about something controversial, don’t be surprised if I come to my senses and yank the post.

I don’t care how cowardly that looks. Causing myself a stroke doesn’t seem particularly courageous from where I’m sitting.

In Conclusion

Welcome to the new blog. I can’t promise not to be a total dork, but I’ll try not to be a too-terribly-offensive one.

Have a nice day.

Don’t worry, be happy.

Ah, hell. Go read a book. That’s the best I can wish for anybody and keep a straight face.