Oct 12 2007
RP: Water sports!
I know bathtub sex sound like loads of wet, slippery fun, hence its repeated appearance in romance novels, but let’s pay just a little attention to the mechanics, shall we?
First, the cold, hard, unforgiving surface and narrow confines of the average tub are not particularly conducive to team bathing.
Second, nobody in Romanceland ever has soap scum or mildew in their bathroom. Do they all have that sprayer thingy that cleans the shower every day with the touch of a button? (I really need one of those.)
Third, there ought to be a safety advisory about bathtub vigilance on the cover of every book containing tub woo-hoo (Simmers unite!). When you become distracted from bathtub safety, you slip and hit your head and drown, and then it’s not so fun anymore, is it?
Fourth, hardly anyone ever mentions the water displacement and the subsequent mess on the floor when you plunk an extra person into a tub already filled to the rim. Who cleans that up? And how do they get out of the tub without slipping on the wet floor and suffering an injury? The whole thing sounds very dangerous to me.
But I have to say, in my twenty-something-year span of reading romance novels, this is the first time I have come across this one:
The heroine is soaking in a bubble bath, tub full of water and suds up to her neck. The hero joins her in the tub. The heroine chooses to welcome him with a bit of felatio.
Either she has gills and a fondness for the taste of soap, or he has a 24-inch periscope that rises above the water level.
Either of which really should have been divulged previously in order to save me the squirming when my child demanded to know why mommy was screaming with laughter.
Maybe Bam should have a “realistic tub sex” writing contest.
Winner gets one of those sprayer thingies.
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11/25
October 18th, 2007 at 3:48 pm
[Yes, I'm way behind on blogs. :P]
Another related peeve, particularly familiar to those of us in m/m land, is the far-too-common use of soap as lube. [wry smile] Yes, it tends to be nicely slippery, but most soap (and a lot of shampoos and lotions as well) are extremely painful when they come in contact with cut or abraded skin. And anal sex often leaves the bottom with at least a bit of soreness and/or microtears. (That’s why anal sex is particularly dangerous when it comes to STDs.)
So your guys are all enthused and panting and one soaps up a couple of fingers really well and inserts them…. And at that point my mental image is of the poor guy on the bottom shrieking in pain and bouncing off the ceiling or something. [facepalm]
I finally got sick of it and wrote a short-short (just 300 words and change) showing what I think would happen if some dufus guy tried that on his partner. It got a lot of great comments. :D
Angie
October 19th, 2007 at 5:17 am
Behind? I once left a comment on a post that was 2 years old. You’re not behind.
I’ll admit I don’t read a lot of M/M, but one thing about M/F anal that makes my head explode is the old back-and-forth, dipping into the vaginal “juices” for lubrication every so often. They never mention the RAGING vaginal infection the heroine develops afterward…
I’m all for the suspension of disbelief usually, but when we venture into physically impossible and medically unpleasant, I have to say “no.”
October 19th, 2007 at 7:47 am
the old back-and-forth, dipping into the vaginal “juices” for lubrication every so often
Ewww. :P Seriously, I don’t even want to think about how long that chick’s going to be on antibiotics….
Aside from the fact that unless they do this every day and twice on Sundays, and she really gets into the burn anyway, they’re going to need a lot more lube than she can provide herself. [cough]
Angie