Jan 04 2008
Movie recs as unreliable as book recs
“I can’t believe you’ve never seen Blade Runner! It’s a classic! You gotta see it!”
I felt uncultured. Netflix to the rescue.
There’s two wasted hours of my life I’ll never get back.
Harrison Ford is usually a likable guy. Hell, I worship Indiana Jones and Han Solo. In Blade Runner?
1. Creepy forced seduction of a vulnerable, childlike woman.
2. The only “bad guys” he killed were women, one shot in the back as she was fleeing.
3. The “bad guys” kicked the crap out of him, and his response was to run away.
I wanted Rutger Hauer to rip his head off—like in the teen slasher flicks where the “good guys” are too stupid to live, so you cheer when they get shredded.
The “bad guy” performed the one heroic act in the movie.
And then he died.
The moral issue of creating replicants for use as slaves, giving them human emotions and a four-year self-destruct sequence, was not resolved—was barely addressed, in fact. Justice was not served. The only sympathetic character didn’t survive.
It’s pretty much an itemized list of things I don’t want to see in a movie. All it was missing was Tom Cruise.
I don’t need a happy ending in a movie. Braveheart, Gladiator, and 300 are in my Top 20, and not a happy ending among them. Closet Land and The Ring don’t have especially uplifting endings, either.
(How can you kill Martin Henderson, and in such an unattractive way? Yes, he has the worst actor name ever, but do you not see how cute he is, Lilo? And he’s a kiwi. Why is everything hot in Hollywood being imported from Down Under these days?)
The common redeeming factor is some form of triumph for the hero, even in failure, even if it’s only that he never submitted to the villain.
Now I need revenge movies for the guy who told me I had to watch Blade Runner. “Dude, you gotta see City of Angels!” Except I hated that movie, and I’d have a hard time selling it as a must-see.
Got anything that would sound cool to a guy but is really a painful viewing experience?
Loading ...
9/30
11/4
11/4
11/25
January 4th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
An independent film called “When Will I Be Loved” featuring Neve Campbell and lots of nude scenes of her, plus a girl on girl scene. Sounds really appealing to a guy in theory but is an absolutely terrible, terrible movie and so freaking boring I wanted to scream. The movie will talk you to death in between the talking (no that’s not a typo) and you’re never really sure 1) why you’re watching except for the aforementioned nude scenes and 2) what the hell the movie is about.
January 4th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
While the guy in question is not a stereotypical manpig, nudity and girl-on-girl action would get his attention (particularly in an indie film, so he could justify it as “art”), and while it does sound like a diabolical piece of work, the second he saw Neve Campbell, he’d bolt. He is rabid in his dislike of that poor girl. (Didn’t return his stalker calls in the Nineties or something…)
I think you’ve put me on the right path, though. I promise nudity and chicks making out to lull him into viewing, and then duct tape him to the chair for two hours of naked MEN and poultry husbandry footage…
January 9th, 2008 at 8:46 am
Your comment about Tom Cruise made me laugh out loud.
You know, I was thinking about watching this. During all those football games I watched with my husband over the holiday, there were a ton of commercials for the rerelease of this. Thanks for the heads up!
January 9th, 2008 at 11:46 am
I used to not like Tom Cruise, even way back in the early days, because I thought he looked like a weasel, but with his increasing weirdness, now he’s just one small step away from Michael Jackson on the creep-o-meter. I refuse to watch anything he’s involved in.