Kerry Allen's Blog

Mar 06 2008

And… again.

Tag: Don't be hatin' — Kerry Allen @ 10:42 am

TO: Veorge Gostanza, President, Candelay Publishing
FROM: Ivanna Stifle
SUBJECT: Fewer Books, Better Quality!

Dear Mr. Gostanza,

You obviously publish every book submitted to your company, resulting in a market glutted with books I don’t like, which makes them garbage. Readers (I speak for all of them) would appreciate it if you would be more discriminating and publish only the books they want to read.

Best regards,
Ivanna Stifle

The crack pipe slipped from Veorge’s fingers, shattering on the keyboard. He was too entranced by the ant-like letters rearranging themselves on the computer monitor to notice the mess. “That is the most brilliant idea my drug-addled mind has ever struggled to process. Don’t publish what readers don’t want to read! Thank god for consumer email!”

TO: Ivanna Stifle
FROM: Veorge Gostanza, President, Candelay Publishing
SUBJECT: Re: Fewer Books, Better Quality!

Dear Ms. Stifle,

Thank you for your thoughtful email. After careful considera

Veorge paused to wipe the blood from his fingertips, puzzled by the shards of glass sprinkled over his keyboard. His devotion to the customer was such that he forged ahead in spite of his personal peril.

tion, I agree that Candelay’s catalog needs to be cut drastically. Our mission at Candelay has always been to satisfy our readers, and policies will be implemented immediately to ensure we do so more effectively.

Very truly yours,
Veorge Gostanza, President
Candelay Publishing

Veorge, mind electrified with a combination of Mountain Dew and methamphetamines, spent the remainder of the night studying the sales numbers from the preceeding twelve months. Angsty vampire novels with guys wearing nothing but leather pants and baby oil on their eight-packs on the covers and heroines who used the word “fuck” sold an average of 80,000 copies each, while epic Victorian novels sans supernatural / suspense / graphic sex / foul language and rich with costume / setting / social mores of the period sold a scant 15,000 each.

“The numbers don’t lie,” he told his acquisition editors in the conference room the following morning. “Don’t waste my dime on any more historical crap. Get me more emo bloodsuckers!”

ONE MONTH LATER

TO: Missy Mizz, Acquisition Editor, Candelay Publishing
FROM: Ivanna Stifle
SUBJECT: Query: Departed with the Zephyr

Dear Ms. Mizz,

Now that Candelay has renewed its commitment to publishing only the highest-quality fiction, I know you will be interested in my epic Victorian romance about a blacksmith and the scullery maid who loves him but dies of syphilis in an uplifting ending that will make your heart burn for years to come.

Best regards,
Ivanna Stifle

TO: Ivanna Stifle
FROM: Missy Mizz, Acquisition Editor, Candelay Publishing
SUBJECT: Re: Query: Departed with the Zephyr

Dear Ms. Stifle: 

Please take a moment to review Candelay’s updated submission guidelines as detailed on our web site. In response to consumer complaint, Candelay is henceforth publishing only books that are in keeping with those that have proven to be our strongest sellers.

Unless your syphilitic heroine rises from the grave, your story does not meet our needs at this time.

Best regards,
Missy Mizz, Acquisitions Editor
Candelay Publishing

“But… but… that’s not what I wanted at all!” Ivanna wailed. “It’s supposed to be those stupid other people with no taste who get screwed out of what they want, not meeeeee!”

5 Responses to “And… again.”

  1. Angie is SO pretty.
    March 6th, 2008 at 12:08 pm

    [snicker] Yeah, that’s about the size of it. My own first reaction was something along the lines of, “The best stuff in whose opinion??” [bemused smile]

    Angie

  2. Kerry Allen is SO pretty.
    March 6th, 2008 at 12:29 pm

    I just think it’s funny that everyone who cries “Fewer books, better quality!” assumes their books will be the ones to survive the cut. Would they be so eager to start hacking away if presented with the possibility that their own precious babies would be the ones on the chopping block, or would they backtrack right quick about how “something for everybody” really is a good thing?

  3. virna is SO pretty.
    March 6th, 2008 at 6:31 pm

    This was hilarious. Publishing seems all about an uneven, unpredictable playing field. I wish it was easier to voice concerns without feeling you were taking a risk.

  4. Kerry Allen is SO pretty.
    March 7th, 2008 at 5:05 am

    I hear two concerns from the “publish less” camp.
    From a reader: “There are too many choices at the bookstore. Change the publishing industry so I don’t have to think so hard about how to spend my money.”
    From a writer: “There are too many choices at the bookstore. Change the publishing industry so I don’t have to work so hard to make my book stand out in the crowd.”
    Both are inherently selfish, disregarding the wants and needs of everyone else for one’s own convenience, and I don’t have it in me to be sympathetic when “publish less” gets tossed out there as the solution every time sometime gets hold of a book that doesn’t ring their bell, and screw anybody with taste that differs.
    *puts up dukes to defend freedom of choice for all*

  5. Selah March is SO pretty.
    March 7th, 2008 at 11:12 am

    Thank you. Again.

    And you’re absolutely certain I can’t have your babies?

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