Kerry Allen

Angelic Daughter and I watched the first four episodes of Witchblade, the animated version (I didn’t even know until I went looking for the picture that there was a live-action TV show). We made a lot of noise in the process. Here are some of our observations:

Adorable kid.

Adorable photographer, and funny.

No, I would never sign my kid over to a child welfare agency and try to shove the car taking her away off a bridge when I decided it was a mistake to let her go.

The corporate lackey looks exactly like the bow-and-arrow dude from Bleach. (We are great with names…)

Early on, the adorable photographer refers to the heroine’s transformed getup as “body armor.” What do you think?

Looks like an awful lot of exposed flesh for “armor” to me. We’re not even sure she was wearing a thong. It really looked like it was all just hangin’ out. So basically, she’s got armored pasties. (The live-action version gets a little more coverage.)

But fear not: We watched a missile bounce off her enormous breasts and assume her ample butt would be equally resilient.

As enormous as her breasts are (and I really think they were downsized for the above picture—they probably couldn’t get the sculpture to remain upright if they did them to scale), there’s another chick with things the size of watermelons occupying her chest and abdomen area, and this is where we lost all patience with men who disregard physics to get their cheap thrills.

Duct tape a pair of watermelons to your chest and try swinging a sword or running or leaping from building to building. Range of motion is impaired, as is balance. Other than distracting the enemy, those bodacious tatas are a useless impediment.

Angelic Daughter and I therefore spent much of this hour and a half discussing breasts, but not quite the way guys would go about it. Our comments were more along the lines of “jeez, she’d need a wheelbarrow to carry those” and “that one’s paying for her chiropractor’s yacht” and “hey, I like her just because her boobs are almost normal sized.”

Needless to say, between that distraction (we really couldn’t tell you what happened in Episode 4 because there were just too many new implausible endowments introduced to concentrate on the plot) and the I’m-having-an-orgasm-right-now sound effects the heroine makes when she’s on a killing spree, we’re not compelled to continue with the series. It’s a shame the creators felt it necessary to indulge in the peurile mammary fixation, because I was kind of interested in finding out if Child Welfare was The Big Evil and if adorable photographer got it on with heroine and if heroine had “an episode” around her kid and a variety of other things more worthy of focus than the flesh parade.

This is why anime/manga/comics continue to have largely a male fanbase. They’d pick up a huge chunk of female fans if the female characters were more than huge bewbs with thigh-high boots and swords.

Good stories get lost behind the watermelons, ya feel me?