Kerry Allen

There’s this lovely site called Query Tracker. There’s tons of agent information. You can even look up an author to see if there’s an agent of record. (Double and triple check all information, of course—by no means depend on any one source for your agent search. It’s going to have a big impact on your career, so do your homework like it counts. QT makes that research a little easier by linking to agents’ web sites, Agent Query, Publishers Marketplace, and Preditors and Editors, for starters.) It’s free to sign up. You can keep a list of agents you like, keep track of your submission status, and monitor the agents’ stats (particularly handy for those agents with 1,000 queries and 2 responses reported, so you know not to hold your breath waiting for them to get back to you).

There are also user comments entered on the agents’ pages. The good: Provides an idea of turnaround times and level of feedback given. The bad: Holy monkeybeans, so many prime examples of how not to respond to rejection.

I can relate to the disappointment and frustration. I may even have experienced some hostility a time or two under extenuating circumstances. However, it seems counterproductive for anyone looking for an agent to pitch a hissy fit about any agent in a public forum where agents are known to pop in to verify their info, particularly if your username bears some resemblance to your actual name and/or you’re including identifying details about your deathless prose.

I’m going to reveal the big secret behind rejections—right here in this very post!—in hopes of preventing even one future spaz attack.

Rejection says: “I might not be the right agent for your work.”
Recipient’s interpretation: “I stalked you at conferences and all over the web until I was certain you’re the right agent. WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME?!?!”
Secret meaning: “Not interested.”

Rejection says: “I am looking to take on new clients, but only with material about which I feel very strongly.”
Recipient’s interpretation: “Unfortunately for you, feeling very strongly that your writing is crap doesn’t count.”
Secret meaning: “Not interested.”

Rejection says: “Not right for me.”
Recipient’s interpretation: “Not right for me, as I prefer to represent clients who write way better than you do, loser. And you’re ugly.”
Secret meaning: “Not interested.”

Rejection says: “I can’t offer any editorial feedback.”
Recipient’s interpretation: “Your writing is so godawful, it would take me a month to point out everything wrong with it, so I’m not even going to try.”
Secret meaning: “Not interested.”

Are you sensing a theme here? No need to analyze a rejection for its secret meaning. It means NOT INTERESTED. Whether it’s polite or curt, rubberstamped or personalized, hundredth generation photocopy printed on toilet paper or handwritten in calligraphy on vellum, it means NOT INTERESTED. It’s a subjective decision not to become involved in a long-term relationship with words on a page, not a rejection of your worth as a human being.

Have you ever been NOT INTERESTED in something—a person, a TV show, elections in a non-Presidential year? Were you obligated to explain, courteously and in detail, your reasons for being NOT INTERESTED, suggest improvements, and invite further attempts to win you over? Did you spare even one thought for the wounded feelings of that person, TV show, or election? Would you have become INTERESTED if that person, TV show, or election demanded more from you, acting all entitled and becoming insulting toward you when you failed to meet his, her, or its expectations?

Mark that submission “closed.” Cross it off your list. Burn it on the grill if you must, but for the love of monkeybeans, quit agonizing over it to the point where it seems like a smart idea to go online and hurl insulting adjectives at the agent who sent it.

Say a year passes, and you’re shopping around your next project. An agent may not remember your name from the last time you queried, but he’s a bit more likely to remember it if you assassinated his character on his listing.

Aren’t there enough reasons for being rejected without adding “because you’re a douchebag” to the list?