Oct 27 2008
Just in time for Halloween…
… here’s a horrifying glimpse into The Life Of.
This is what happens to the kitchen during the week when, if I have time to cook, I don’t have time to clean up:
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And this is how I spend 2 hours of my “spare time” over the weekend:
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I ran the dishwasher TWICE, and the sink is still full of dishes, silverware, and baking sheets, but at least the “somebody call the Health Department” factor has been removed.
Until we’re a little further into this week and the process repeats itself.
And believe me, I know my kitchen sucks. Yes, some genius put in WHITE laminate countertops which, after about thirty years, are unfixably stained, and the cabinets are seriously made of plywood, and that REALLY is all the counterspace I have.
When I watch those home-buying shows on HGTV and somebody says, “The kitchen is too small,” when said kitchen is invariably four times larger than mine, I want to reach into the TV, drag their whiny asses into the real world, and show them what a too-small kitchen looks like. Try doing Thanksgiving for twelve with four square feet of counterspace. Hell, try making cookies. Having enough space to “entertain” in the kitchen is so far down the list of kitchen upgrades here, I am unable to sympathize with their plight.
October 27th, 2008 at 10:45 am
We spent the first six years of marriage in a little condo in southern California where the kitchen was so tiny, when the dishwasher was open, it blocked not only the entire walkway into the kitchen, but also touched the refrigerator door so you couldn’t open that either. Also, some genius decided to hang the cabinets so low over the tiny countertops (mine were cracked ceramic tile with grout of indeterminable age and cleanliness) that if you weren’t careful, you’d slam your forehead into the cupboard while leaning over the counter.
I HATED trying to cook in it. When we finally bought a house, that was one of my only stipulations. A kitchen big enough to move around in without trapping oneself in the corner or sustaining a serious head injury while trying to wipe off the counter.
October 27th, 2008 at 11:15 am
Oh, I didn’t even mention the fabulous lighting. The kitchen’s a rectangle with an empty space for an itsy-bitsy table to the right of what you see pictured. The only light in the room is a single-bulb, overhead fixture OVER THE TABLE AREA. ‘Cuz while you’re eating, you really want to see what happened to the food that you couldn’t see while actually preparing it…
In the last apartment I lived in, the dishwasher wouldn’t run unless I wedged a broom handle between the opposite cabinet and the corner of the dishwasher because the door was warped and didn’t seal of its own volition.
Used to be, all I wanted in a house was a fantabulous library/office. After this dump, I dream of spacious, sparkling kitchens and bathrooms that don’t have wall rot from burst pipes—cleverly concealed with a coat of paint. And windows that open AND close (can’t do both here). And a glorious absence of vinyl floor tile. And an oven with a light in it and maybe even a window in the door. And no permanent pink splatters, almost like somebody sneezed into a glass of cranberry juice…
Okay, now I’m depressing myself. Next time someone accuses me of living in a fantasy world, I shall invite them for a tour to demonstrate why! There are far better housing conditions in my fantasy world!
October 27th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Some day, if my plan to impersonate J.K. Rowling and sucessfully claim six months of her income succeeds, I’ll build myself a new home with a “guest house” on the property and hire you as my assistant. I hated renting. With a fierce passion. Everything was substandard and nothing really got fixed.
October 27th, 2008 at 11:47 pm
Look on the bright side of things–you have a kitchenaid blender. I’ve wanted one of those for eight years, ever since I fell in love with baking cookies. Is it everything I’ve dreamed of and more?
(Tell me it’s not so I can stop staring dreamily at it. Now is not the time to buy it, as I’ll be moving back to America in three years and those things are HEAVY.)
October 28th, 2008 at 4:22 am
No… ah… um… the Kitchenaid sucks. It sucks so bad, I didn’t get pans and glasses and plates to color coordinate with its cobalt blue prettifulness. It sucks so bad, it didn’t usurp the microwave’s position as the most oft-used appliance. It sucks so bad, I don’t beg for cool attachments for Christmas, like the meat grinder and pasta maker. It sucks so bad, I don’t reach over and pet it every time I’m in that corner of The Pit of Despair.
Those hand mixers that give serious bakers carpal tunnel syndrome are WAY better.
(I tell you this because the sucker’s too heavy to push six inches across the counter, much less lug across the Pacific. But seriously, if you’re going to aspire to anything, a Kitchenaid is a worthy goal.)