Kerry Allen

This subject line wiggled past all my e-mail filters.

Upgrade your love weapon to fight better in year 2008!

They get points for creativity. I don’t know how to begin to filter that. And I don’t really want to. It made me laugh.

Maybe it amuses me because I have a character who allegedly learned to speak English by watching the cheesiest porn ever made and says things like that (”I will cleave you in two with my man sword” and “I will fire my love cannon into your foxhole all night long” being notable examples).

In the spirit of the day (in no particular order):

I’m thankful I don’t have to host any holiday functions this year. (All that griping last year paid off.)

I’m thankful Angelic Daughter remains healthy and brilliant and funny as hell. (The best person to live with is one who makes you laugh.)

I’m thankful Angelic Daughter finally finished watching a billion hours of walkthrough of Resident Evil 4 on YouTube. (Yes, the guy’s commentary was funny. Yes, Leon has pretty hair and a nice butt. But as boring as it is to watch somebody else play a video game, it can’t compare to watching somebody else watching somebody else play a video game.)

I’m thankful Demon Dog has demonstrated a talent for catching the little frogs that get in the house and spitting them outside. (My attempts at capture always end in guilt-inducing crushage, but coexisting with nature in my house is not an option.)

I’m thankful for the three people who find me amusing enough to click over in this direction once in a while. (*waves*)

I’m thankful for friends who fly into a rage every time I receive a rejection, forcing me to explain calmly and rationally that rejection is par for the course, not a personal attack (except that last one—whoa damn, that woman needs medication), thus distracting me from the nervous breakdown I would rather be having. (I’m doubly thankful for those that fly into a rage and then console me with baked goods and/or ice cream.)

I’m thankful the ideas keep coming. (What do you do if they dry up? Commit wholly to the day job? Dust? Watch Dancing with the Stars? God forbid, exercise?)

I’m thankful work at the day job slows to a trickle between Thanksgiving and New Year’s so all my weekends for the rest of the year can be at least 3 days long. (No vacations for the past 4 years = So much time built up, if I don’t use it, they’re going to take it away.) This will enable me to shampoo the carpets, scrape a year’s worth of filth off the tile and off the car, and maybe finish the this-makes-no-fucking-sense draft of the WIP.

I planned to be thankful the hordes of mosquitoes that have been eating me alive for months hadn’t given me malaria or West Nile virus, but it still hasn’t gotten cold enough here to kill the little bastards, so I’m not over the river and through those woods yet.

Next year, I would like to be thankful for a modest publishing contract. Just sayin’.

I’ve written myself into a corner. My transition to my Big Kidnapping Scene cleverly left the Kid elsewhere, which I realized only after I was three-quarters through the Big Kidnapping Scene (wherein the Villain shakes his fist and shouts at the Stupid Writer for twenty minutes for screwing up his first personal appearance), and good luck to the moron who tries napping her from that babysitter’s care.

Zombie Pinky sez, “This is your Muse’s way of telling you an abduction is unnecessary.”

No, this is my Muse’s way of telling me she’d rather be playing Assassin’s Creed. The Kid escaped completely unscathed last time. She must be at least mildly scathed this time in order to Escalate the Tension, and she must be increasingly scathed at each subsequent encounter so that by the time she becomes the Woman, she is accustomed to living in Peril. It’s all in the Master Plan. See Section 12, Paragraph 22.

My problem is, my Good Guys aren’t incompetent enough. They are prepared for Bad Things to happen. Security around the Kid is too good. What possible reason could there be for it to lapse at the Villain’s convenience?

Damn, if only I had a Skrhybe Vher—…

Erm, no. How about… Tough Guy is in the john , and his unsuspecting Wifey hands the Kid to the Villain in a case of mistaken identity?

‘Cept Wifey is a mind reader, so that unlikelihood would require a whole ’nother explanation.

Okay, the Kid has a TSTL moment and sneaks away for a bit of mischief, serving herself up to the Villain on a silver platter? Unfortunately, I’ve established her as smart, insightful, often the Voice of Reason. She knows better.

Aha! She has AMNESIA!

Or maybe Edan, who has been conspicuously absent since Dropping the Bomb in Chapter One, pops in and Acts Evil for some perfectly explicable reason other than setting up her own story. Except the only person who has more reason to detest the Villain than she does is the Hero, so what could possibly motivate her to do the Villain any favors? Maybe she’s been in cahoots with him all along. Yeah, maybe she liked being sexually assaulted and having her baby stolen and returned to her all soulless and twisted. It could happen.

So this is why authors resort to peeving devices. There’s no way around an intelligent setup other than blatant illogic or the Hand of God, and there’s no drama when everything goes According to Plan.

Do I seriously have to go back and dumb something down to make it easier on the Villain? You must be joking.

Crap. Figures I’d trip and fall and dislocate something when I’m within spitting distance of the finish line. I hate writing when it’s like work.

Screw it. I’ll put a “WTF?!” sticky on it and belly crawl to the end. Maybe something will shake loose in the final stretch.

(We’re spending way too much time at YouTube…)

My favorite word, and my favorite Evil Organization.

What else is there to say, other than “F#&* the f#&*ing f#&*ers!”

(Interactive Fun: If you say it often enough and fast enough, you sound like a fowl-mouthed chicken.)

(I heart Axel.)

You Should Be a Romance Novelist

You see the world as it should be, and this goes double for all matters of the heart. You can find the romance in any situation, and you would make a talented romance story writer… And while you may be a traditional romantic, you’re just as likely to be drawn to quirky or dark love stories. As long as it deals with infatuation, heartbreak, and soulmates - you could write it.

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

Fo shizzle. And I didn’t even cheat by purposely selecting romancey answers. (Actually, I shunned the sicky-sweet ones that made me want to puke.)

My web host provides forum setup.

Yes, I can have my very own forum.

Is this necessary when one does not have hordes of squealing fangrrls in need of a place to gather and gush over the glory of one’s bestselling masterpieces? No. (I don’t think it’s strictly necessary even then.)

I’m not sure what kind of benefit a forum provides over a blog. More interactively chatty, perhaps? Something to tell the publisher when they ask about your self-promotion efforts?

But despite the non-necessity and lack of perceived benefit, I set it up because:

1. I paid good money for web space and intend to squeeze every penny until Abe’s head explodes.
2. I can.
3. Messing with techno stuff is good for my brain.
4. It is so cool to have all that untouched territory to molest any way I please! Have you ever been the very first to throw words up somewhere? Same Manifest Destiny thing that drives human beings to explore and colonize and deflower virgins. I wish I had a flag to plant…

I’m not linking to it anywhere because it’s silly to even have it, and my posts where I pretend to be A Big Famous Writer (”If you can see it, you can be it!”) are pathetic, but with a little ingenuity, you could probably find it and come over to make fun of me. Or pretend to be famous too. I won’t judge. It’ll be like playing dressup.

I have to find author forums and investigate what kind of boards to set up. Anybody know of any author forums (that aren’t congested with stupidity) that I should be emulating?

The must-have-right-away book for August is due on the 28th, which means it’s time to shop! 

Also, Barnes & Noble threw down the gauntlet. “If you can spend $100 on books, you pathetic weakling, we’ll give you this tote bag as a reward.”

What do you mean, that’s not a challenge? They clearly called me out, and I opened up a can of whup-ass!

Glass Houses (Morganville Vampires #1) by Rachel Caine—I’m such a huge fan of her Weather Warden series, I’m game for YA vampires.

The Becoming by Jeanne C. Stein—Female vampire bounty hunter. Dog meets Vlad in a bra? Cool beans. And the cover reminds me of a pic of Medusa in one of my mytho books.

Innocent in Death by J.D. Robb—I am a series whore, but this one has never failed to deliver a worthy installment.

Scent of Darkness by Christina Dodd—I think the “pact with the devil” caught my interest. That guy’s such a pip…

Beyond the Pale (Darkwing Chronicles #1) by Savannah Russe—Vampire drafted by the government to spy on a Russian terrorist. Eat your heart out, Tom Clancy.

‘Scuse Me While I Kill This Guy by Leslie Langtry—Single mother/professional assassin. This one is for career guidance…

Something Wicked by Catherine Mulvany—Despite featuring the thousandth black bustier of the month on the cover, archaeology, vampires, and bikers can’t be too bad.

A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray—A Little Princess with a supernatural link to the spirit world?

The Turning (Blood Ties #1) by Jennifer Armintrout—”[T]the first book in a violent vampire series… bares its fangs early, unafraid to spill blood and vital organs from its very first pages” and ”level of gory detail… may put off all but the most stalwart of readers, but if you’ve got the stomach for it, this fast, furious novel is a squirm-inducing treat.” ‘Nuff said.

Night Rising (Vampire Babylon #1) by Chris Marie Green—”The ability to seamlessly blend noir mystery, romance, and dark fantasy” sounds sweet to me. I like the heroine already.

Kiss of Midnight by Lara Adrian—Hmm. I’m sensing a trend here. Vampires, anyone? Must have read a good review (or a scathing one by a reviewer I think is an ass) because the B&N description sounds too much like the same-old to stir me up now.

A Chalice of Wind (Balefire #1) by Cate Tiernan—Finally, witches! Orphans, secret identical twins, New Orleans. The kidlet will have to read it, too.

The Dream Thief by Shana Abe—This was the must-have-right-now book of August that prompted the shopping spree! Loved The Smoke Thief and loved Zane as a boy, so this one is getting read immediately.

The Eyre Affair (Thursday Next #1) by Jasper Fforde—Screwing with literary classics has always been fun for me. Guess I’d be a criminal in this book’s universe! I hear it’s funny. We shall see…

The Neon Rain by James Lee Burke—New Orleans! Dead prostitutes! Drug lords! These are a few of my favorite things…

Have Your Cake and Kill Him Too (Blackbird Sisters #5) by Nancy Martin—I still have the last two in this series in my TBR (just got them back from extended loan to Mom), and I read this description and scream. Nora’s pregnant? And there’s the remotest possibility it’s not Mick’s? WTF?!?!

Marked by P.C. Cast—I know for a fact this got a scathing review by a reviewer I think is an ass, but I’d probably get it anyway because it’s… VAMPIRES!

I looked at some other things, trying not to be so predictable, but about 6 words into the description of every historical romance I looked at (writers who are supposed to be the cream of the crop, no less), my eyes were glazing over. Vamps are still fresh (oh, ha, the jokes I could make) for me, whereas Regency London has been ridden into the ground and left to rot on the side of the road with maggots writhing within and buzzards shredding from without. (Oh, yeah, I have the stomach for it! Bring it!)