Kerry Allen

Useless Personal Trivia Meme to Prove I’m Alive

1. I got my first gray hair when I was 10.

2. Angelic Daughter and I have the same birthday.

3. If Leslie Nielsen has been in a movie, I’ve seen it. Many times.

4. I own Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo AND Deuce Bigalow, European Gigolo on DVD NOT because they have Oded Fehr in them but because I am strangely attracted to Rob Schneider.

5a. The last time I made an entry in my “here’s what I wrote today” journal was February 19, 2007.

5b. Coincidentally, the first entry in my “here’s what I wrote today” journal was February 19, 1998.

5c. Nine years to the day of recording writing progress, and this little book isn’t half full, not because I haven’t written, but because when I’m writing, the last thing I’m thinking about is jotting my word count in a journal, and when I’m not writing, what am I going to put in a “here’s what I wrote today” journal?

6. Aside from that neglected little record, I have 15 other gorgeously bound journals—all of which are empty. I suck at keeping a journal and am well aware of this, but they are so seductive in the store…

7. I check my horoscope twice a year: at the beginning, to see when I’m going to relocate, find true love, get a better job, and achieve major aspirations, and at the end, to grumble about what a load of hooey astrology is.

Or, in my case, 13 Things in Your House that Expose Your Multiple Personality Disorder or 13 Things in Your House that Confuse the Hell Out of Unsuspecting Visitors.

1. Season 2 of Robot Chicken waiting to be returned to Netflix. 

2. Monet prints on the living room walls.

3. Nine Inch Nails and Kelly Clarkson on rotation in the CD changer.

4. Romance novels stuffed onto shelves, stacked in precarious towers, and otherwise occupying the majority of horizontal surfaces.

5. Other kinds of novels and nonfiction (The Ultimate Guide to Guns, Poisons, Pointy Things, and Bombs) stuffed onto shelves, stacked in precarious towers, and otherwise occupying the majority of horizontal surfaces.

6. Five computers and a wealth of associated peripherals (although the overpriced Dell XPS, which stands for Xtreme Piece of Sh!t, is strictly for batting practice).

7. A gilt-framed, pink-matted print, handed down from my mother and her mother before her, depicting three poofy-dress-era women, one at the pianoforte, one at the harp, one enjoying their little concert. (I wouldn’t read the book, but damn, I love the picture.)

8. All the good episodes of Bleach on TiVo. (Renji better not be dead, you doily-headed m*#%&r f#*%&r, or I will see you in fanfic with your new cell mates, who do not believe in lube!) (Despite assuring my child that nobody important ever dies on Bleach, I was screaming at the television when my darling Renji collapsed the final time. Who’s next, 69 Guy? Just rip my heart out, why dontcha?)

9. A fan in every room for those days the air conditioner just can’t keep up with my hot flashes.

10. A notebook in every room because I forget things if I don’t write them down NOW. (Although I can never seem to find a pen…)

11. Collection of high-end fountain pens in an equally high-end display case. (Can’t have them out for use in the presence of a kid known to grind through solid wood with the pressure she puts on a writing implement. Oh, my poor precious nibs!)

12. Dust. Lots and lots of dust.

13. Lots and lots of video games, ranging from Barbie Horse Adventures to Elder Scrolls: Oblivion. (Guess which one I’ve played all the way through?)

Ergo, my reflection is that of a 12-year-old boy/middle-aged woman with simultaneously refined and frat-boy sensibilities, as well as memory and housekeeping deficiencies.

Yup, that’s pretty accurate.

Are you schizo, too, or does your environment reflect a sane, integrated personality?