Kerry Allen

There was a pamphlet enclosed with the electric bill, explaining why rates are so high. They’re actually doing us a huge favor. According to their graph, they’re losing money by giving us a break. Were they not such humanitarians, our bills would be five times what they are now, so we should all be thankful for this latest rate hike.

Burning coal is cheap, but it’s filthy.

Burning natural gas (which they do) is clean, but it’s increasingly expensive.

They’re working to lift the ban on nuclear power plants because that will be cheaper, too. Potentially dangerous on an epic scale, but cheaper.

We live in the Sunshine State. Not one word was mentioned about solar power.

We live in a state with hundreds of miles of coastline, along which there is a perpetual breeze. Not one word was mentioned about windmills.

We live in a state with hundreds of miles of coastline, along which there is a constant movement of water. Not one mention was made of hydroelectric power, or whatever they call it when it’s wave power instead of dammed rivers.

No, we’re just going to keep doing things the way we’ve been doing them for the past 50 years and hope something magically changes. Instead of trying something new, which would be inconvenient, we’re going to wait until the day we completely exhaust all the nonrenewable resources we’ve been relying on and then say, “Oh, shit. Now what? Didn’t those environmental crackpots say something a while back about ‘harnessing the power of the sun’? Stupid hippies. I like the sound of forcing everyone in the world to pay for something that’s free, like those other guys did with bottled water. Let’s sell ‘em sunlight!”

We should have begun implementing alternative power sources 50 years ago. It didn’t have to be 100 percent alternative power overnight. If we’d converted a measly 1 percent a year, we could now be at a point where a significant portion of the energy burden was not dependent on finite resources.

We didn’t start 50 years ago, or 40 or 30 or 20 or 10. It’s not too late, but there’s no indication we’re going to start tomorrow, either. The attitude remains: “*pfft* Tomorrow is somebody else’s problem!”

Kinda makes me want to buy a shack in the boonies, cover the roof with solar panels, erect a wind turbine in the back yard (they run about 40 grand, hence the shack), and go completely off-grid.

Did you know, if you generate more power than you can use yourself, the electric company will buy the surplus from you? So they know it works. They just want somebody else to take responsibility for it.

Angelic Daughter’s school has reached new heights of ridiculousness.

You must understand, I am not being facetious when I call her Angelic Daughter. We might have our little squabbles at home, but since infancy, she has been perfectly behaved whenever she leaves the house. She’s quiet and thoughtful and considerate of others and has never been in trouble a day of her life.

So imagine my surprise when I’m asked to come to the principal’s office on her first day of seventh grade.

Guess why. Go ahead, guess. Be creative. I thought it couldn’t get more outrageous than calling the cops because a student was carrying the highly dangerous controlled substance known on the street as “Tylenol” or a deadly weapon like nail clippers, but I was mistaken.

I had to leave work and go to the school because my child had a rubber band around her wrist.

Often during the day, she will find it desirable to pull her hair back in a ponytail. They’re not allowed to have backpacks or purses, mind you, so there’s nowhere to carry a rubber band other than on her person.

“Did she take it off her wrist and pop somebody with it?”

“No.”

“Okaaaaaay. Then I’m really not seeing the problem.”

“What concerns us is the statement she’s making.”

“That statement being… she might like to keep her hair out of her face? I don’t recall anything in the student code of conduct indicating this was a strictly hair-in-face school.”

It was an hour-long lesson that people cannot hear the stupidity that comes out of their own mouths. I tried mirroring back the stupidity that was said to me, and it sounded just as stupid the second time.

Toward the end, I became somewhat belligerent, since calm, rational dialogue had zero effect. Words to the effect of “How did a fucking idiot like you get a job that doesn’t involve a hair net and a deep fryer?” may have been spoken.

I just might have to find a way to make home schooling work because I am increasingly terrified of subjecting her to so much idiocy 6 hours a day. I’ve tried to teach her to use her brain, but being submerged in anti-intelligence 5 days a week can do a lot of damage.

And I’m still not clear about the “statement.” Was there a Fox News report that wearing a rubber band on one’s wrist is the mark of the Taliban or something?

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1. (Passed) Not saying “What the hell were you thinking?” upon learning the names inflicted upon two teeny little babies. Not my problem if one sounds like the name of a mutant in an RPG and the other is a variety of cheese and these poor kids will be mercilessly teased until they snap and go on a killing spree, right?
2. (Failed) Not saying “What the hell were you thinking?” upon learning the equally ridicule-worthy middle names inflicted upon Mutant and Cheese, robbing them of the old standby of “I go by my middle name, for obvious reasons.” Yes, you were very creative. Remember how proud you were of that when your kids are crying because the other kids start picking on them at the moment of introduction.
3. (Failed) Not being pissed that when minimum wage goes up 70 cents and my salary does not, I’m 70 cents closer to making minimum wage, with the added kick in the proverbial nuts that the price of everything I buy is going to increase to cover increased payroll and maintain profit margins, in addition to the ongoing skyrocketing price of everything due to gas prices, which in the not too distant future is going to drive me and a few million other people right out of the “middle class” range. Hey, Feds—how about doing something to improve the cost of living, which will benefit everyone, instead of your usual fake “solutions,” which screw everybody in the long run?

And it’s only Tuesday…

That would be an awesome party game, but not really what I had in mind while coming up with another lame title.

What I had in mind was “Plagiarism = Theft” buttons for conference goers. Not that goers to certain conferences would want to make that statement when the OMG-her-shoes-are-an-embarrassment-to-us-all platform is available, but a few thousand authors wearing their protest upon their stricken breasts is a beautiful dream.