Is this the first symptom of my mom getting old and uncool? What’s next, she’ll start driving her ‘Stang 15 mph below the speed limit instead of over?

Also, mere days after I convert Mom to the joys of canvas grocery bags, she takes them to Wal-Mart, and the cashier refuses to use them because (a) “they cut down my productivity” and (b) “I’m not stupid enough to believe Al Gore’s lies.”

Oh, how I wish I’d been there. The things I would have said.

• “I have a suggestion for your productivity. Shut the hell up and pack my motherhumping bags.”
• “See what this does for your productivity. I can stand here holding up this line all damn day until I get your manager over here to discuss with you the inadvisability of failing to serve and then insulting customers.”
• “Honey, you should never utter the words ‘I’m not stupid.’ People are laughing at you.”
• “You’re a cashier at Wal-Mart. While I commend your high sense of self-esteem, this smug superiority crap is out of line to the point of delusion.”
• “Regardless of your political leanings, it is a fact that this planet can store only so much eternity garbage, such as plastic bags. If you dispute the biodegradability of plastic bags, I’d like to see you digest one right now. Here, I’ll even stuff it in your mouth for you.”
• “You’re a moron.”

Mom, although thinking along these lines, is too nice to say any of it. Then she hands over her payment, and Cashier of the Year rolls her eyes and says, “Oh, how did I know you were going to pay with cash?” I would have said more things.

• “Aw, is it too much of a strain on your wittle bwain to make change?”
• “I hadn’t realized Wal-Mart had stopped accepting money in exchange for merchandise.”
• “Seriously, get the manager over here NOW. I’ve decided not to leave until you’re fired.”

CUSTIMER SERVUS—UR DOIN IT RONG.

So be cheered, Wal-Mart Lady, that no matter what kind of crappy day you were having, you were lucky enough not to take it out on me. Be warned, however, that next time I have a crappy day, I’m driving 20 miles out of my way with an armload of canvas bags on a quest to take it out on you.

‘Cuz nobody messes with my mama and lives to tell about it.

Coincidentally, Jaci Burton is guesting at Mandy Roth’s today about little things you can do in addition to canvas bags to help save the world.

Edit: Heh. This was a little premature, seein’ as I thought this week was next week. (Brain. Fried. Remember?) If it gets buried (unlikely, given my present hermit-like state of mind), I’ll bump it up to the top a little closer to the Big Day because I KNOW everybody here would be devastated if they had to wait until the day after for the results.

IWS: I got bogged down trying to “write clean,” so I switched to powering through with dialogue and stage directions just to make some headway. I have nothing against revisions, but it’s difficult to do them if there’s nothing there to revise. I said it would be done sometime in August. I may have lied, but I’m going to make a concerted effort to ensure that’s not the case.

Blog: I’m panicking because I have an RTB post in 3-1/2 weeks and have no idea what I’m going to do. I’d like to defend my title as Her Royal High-larious-ness, but I don’t feel funny right now. (Brain. Fried.) Here’s hoping an idea presents itself.

Blind Fangboy: No, haven’t heard the verdict on the story, but I went ahead and finished my cover in case the verdict is “no,” so I can put it up here posthaste. On a scale of 1 to 5, I’d give my artwork a 3, which is satisfactory for recreational use.

Cooties: No, that is not the official header at the Cooties site, but working on Blind Fangboy’s cover burned me out on Photoshop, so I haven’t finished the comic strip that will be the official header. I’m leaving it primarily black-and-white and it’s barely a step above stick figures, but it needs more cleaning up than I can deal with right now. (Brain. Fried.) Still no Cootie content. I suppose I should read a book and do something about that.

But I pretty much just want to take a nap with the fan blowing right on my face.