Oct 08 2008
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Stress + Kerry = “See food” diet
“See food” diet + Kerry = Additional 3 pounds on existing chunk
Additional 3 pounds + Kerry = AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!
Fat + web log = FLOG!
Not only do I know I shouldn’t be eating some of this stuff, I don’t even WANT to eat it, but it seems more socially acceptable than sucking my thumb or a pacifier and healthier than taking up smoking. However, if I continue gaining 3 pounds every couple of weeks, I’m eventually going to need a flatbed truck to transport my blubber, which is unacceptable, so time to nip the cycle in the proverbial bud.
I’m not monitoring pounds because pounds are tricksy things, fluctuating every couple of hours depending on what you’ve consumed (drinking your 8 glasses of water a day? good for you! that’s 4 pounds! now, how much did lunch weigh?), girly issues, which scale you use, and what you’re wearing (I advocate checking the scale first thing in the morning in the nude with only one contact lens in, after showering and unsightly hair removal and tooth brushing—don’t want to weigh that dirt and stubble and plaque!—and thoroughly drying—don’t want to weigh any extra water!—but before applying any moisturizers, makeup, or hair products, in this way reducing the scale’s reading by up to 0.0000064 ounces!). When one knows one is eating right and exercising vigorously every day and two weeks later that friggin’ scale hasn’t budged, it’s discouraging and seems like a waste of effort and one gives up. Hence, pounds are not the focus.
Also, no way in hell am I telling you how many pounds I lose because at some point you’ll do the math and say, “Oh-ho, methinks Miss Blubber already had herself a flatbed truck!”
I don’t count calories because that’s work and boring (+ Kerry = won’t do it) and makes one a slave to food, which I think is an unhealthy relationship that exacerbates the problem in the long run.
What I can and will do is step up my lackadaisical exercise regimen, which can be measured in clearly defined, nonfluctuating units of TIME, and keep track of it here, where any sadistic slavedriver can follow my progress or lack thereof and shame me into compliance.
Feel free to join in if the “workout buddy” thing is useful to you.
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October 8th, 2008 at 6:10 am
October 7: Bike 1 hour.
October 9th, 2008 at 3:50 am
October 8: Bike 1 hour.
October 10th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
October 10: Bike 1 hour.
October 11th, 2008 at 2:08 am
Good for you. I started working out three or four days a week on the Wii Fit (don’t let its innocent little child’s voice fool you…it’s the bride of Chucky) and I power walk several days a week to (1.6 miles, half of it uphill). I find I feel better about myself after a session of self-torture than I do after consuming hot tamales. Wierd.
October 12th, 2008 at 11:20 am
Here’s the thing—they always say exercise releases endorphins or something that make you feel good, but I DON’T feel good. I feel terrible. I’m exhausted and overheated and drenched in sweat and angsting over the things I could have done in that hour that now will either not get done or I’ll have to sacrifice an hour of sleep to get done.
Exercise makes me ANGRY.
Then again, so does jiggling fat. To a lesser extent, but still. I figure if I pit one against the other, one will go away, and I’ll no longer have any use for the other, hence freeing me from both…
October 12th, 2008 at 1:28 pm
October 12: Bike 1 hour.
October 14th, 2008 at 5:31 pm
October 14: Bike 1 hour.
October 16th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
October 16: Bike 1 hour.
(According to multiple sources of calculation, this is supposed to equate to 730 calories. Thus, 5 hours is supposed to create the 3500 calorie deficit required to lose 1 pound. Thus, with my goal of 4 hours a week, it will take me approximately 74,592 years to reach my ideal body weight. Hence, any attention given to calories is a huge mistake.)
October 17th, 2008 at 5:47 am
Sped walk/ran for an hour today.
October 18th, 2008 at 9:04 am
October 17: Bike 1 hour.
Thought about doing The Firm to mix things up, but the thought of all that, yanno, MOVEMENT turned me off that idea.
Had a craving for onion rings (which I hardly ever eat) that got so bad I could actually taste and feel their texture in my mouth. Which was like eating them, so craving solved!
October 19th, 2008 at 11:52 am
October 19: Bike 1 hour.
Stepped on a scale. Decided not to do that again for 6 weeks, at which time, according to the theory of calorie deficit, I should have lost 5 pounds.
If the needle hasn’t budged in 6 weeks, I’m severing a leg.
October 21st, 2008 at 7:22 pm
October 21: Bike 1 hour.
October 23rd, 2008 at 5:49 pm
October 23: Bike 1 hour.
I can now do the whole hour at the resistance level I used to use for murderous 3-minute bursts, so even if I’m not melting away, I’m gaining endurance.
October 24th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
October 24: Bike 1 hour.
October 26th, 2008 at 11:02 am
October 26, 2008: Bike 1 hour.
The scale finally moved.
I chucked it out the back door. *ba-dum-bump*
No, srsly. Five down, only 74,587 to go!
October 27th, 2008 at 11:52 pm
I don’t weigh myself except when I go to the doctors. All I care about is whether I still fit into my pants. Now they’re beginning to get difficult to pull over my ass–so I know that’s the sign I’ve been eating too many cookies.
But! I danced for four hours straight in a club in Sasebo on Saturday. Does that count?
October 28th, 2008 at 4:08 am
Hell yes, dancing counts. I’m using that one myself tonight.
Since I’m AT the doctor’s every single friggin’ day, scales everywhere I turn, they’re hard to avoid. And I really, really hate busting my ass and accomplishing nothing, so I had to check. Fortunately, there was pound lossage. If there hadn’t been, I would have had to make some Nutella brownies. With frosting. And eat them all. To avenge my honor.
Gah, I really wish I hadn’t mentioned the Nutella brownies. With frosting.
October 31st, 2008 at 5:28 am
October 28: Booty shaking 2-3 hours.
November 1st, 2008 at 7:36 am
October 31: Bike 1 hour.
The booty shaking was more fun. I’d get one of those dance tapes, but I think I’d feel stupid dancing in my living room. *jazz hands!*
November 2nd, 2008 at 2:28 pm
November 2: The Firm for 1 hour.
NOW I remember why I use those steps for changing lightbulbs in overhead fixtures and for nothing else. Tomorrow, there will be pain—and much hostility toward skinny, perky people as seen on VHS.
Favorite part of the workout: Calling the instructor bad names. You just can’t do that at the gym, folks.
November 5th, 2008 at 5:49 am
November 4: Bike 1 hour.
November 7th, 2008 at 3:45 am
November 6: Bike 1 hour.
Inadvertently did 30 minutes at a notch higher resistance than I’m used to.
Iz ded nao.
November 10th, 2008 at 5:05 am
November 9: Bike 1 hour.
November 15th, 2008 at 6:58 am
November 14: Bike 1 hour.
November 16th, 2008 at 4:29 am
I laughed for a solid 90 minutes today. That ok too?
November 16th, 2008 at 6:53 am
“Buchowski found that laughing raises energy expenditure and increases heart rate 10 percent to 20 percent. Ten to 15 minutes of laughter could increase energy expenditure by 10 to 40 calories per day, which could translate into about four pounds a year.”
That is a scientifically proven YES!
November 18th, 2008 at 3:50 am
November 17: Bike 1 hour.
November 19th, 2008 at 10:48 pm
November 19: Bike 1 hour.